I. My Experience as a Couples' Therapist

As a therapist who works with children and families, I have had much experience working with couples. This is true because sometimes what is causing a child's problems is arguments or tension between the parents. In those cases, I often do couples therapy.  Other times, parents do not always agree on parenting strategies. This again leads me to work with the parents as a couple.

I also do couples therapy because I enjoy it. Helping couples continue to love and connect with each other is very rewarding.

II. Couple's Problems -- Not Always About The Couple

Couples can come to therapy for a variety of reasons not directly caused by the couple's relationship. A couple can seek help because stresses outside the relationship are causing the couple to argue. Outside stresses include financial problems, job loss, or a relocation to a new city. Therapy must identify these outside stresses as the main problem and help the couple address the stresses.

Sometimes, couples come to therapy because one of the partners is having a problem that affects both partners. Examples can include a partner developing depression, anxiety, or an addiction.

Of note, one of the biggest stresses on a marriage is having a special-needs child. Couples with special-need children have a higher rate of divorce than other couples. Thus, it is important for parents of such children to get help if they are experiencing increased stress.

III. Couple's Problems

Despite the above examples, couples often seek therapy due to the couple's relationship itself. The two most frequent problems are (i) an inability to resolve conflicts and (ii) the couple growing apart and falling out of love. Research has identified these two factors as the main reason why couples divorce. Research has not yet identified why some couples have such a high degree of these problems while other couples do not.

We do know that couples tend to argue about certain areas. These areas often include money, parenting, in-laws, sex, and chores.

IV. How Does Therapy Help?

A big part of couples' therapy is helping couples resolve conflict. When attempting to resolve conflict,  couples often make three mistakes.

First, when speaking, they say things too destructively or angrily.  It is hard to stay calm and easier to express anger and disgust than vulnerable feelings such as sadness or fear. The therapist helps the couple with this problem by: stopping communication that has started to become destructive; exploring and empathizing with the partners in order to calm them down; and having the partners restate their communications in more calm and helpful ways.

Second, when discussing their problems, couples often fail to explore and understand the underlying reasons for their partner's feelings. Because of this error, couples miss an opportunity to empathize with their partner, help them change unrealistic beliefs, and help them become more open to resolutions.

For instance, a husband might hate to spend any money and be very tightfisted about the couples' finances. The wife may not fully explore why he hates to spend money and instead argues with him. But if she explored the husband's attitudes, she would learn that his attitude about spending stemmed from his parents' fears of poverty and his developing these same fears. 

Therapists help with this problem by stopping the interaction to explore each partner's underlying thoughts and feelings. Eventually, each partner can do this for themselves and help their partner do it as well.

Third, when listening to each other, couples miss the more positive or vulnerable message their partner is sending. Instead, the partners hear only the negative, critical part. Thus, they miss a chance to shift the argument from an angry, rigid interaction to a calmer, more flexible one. For example, a wife might say, "You keep coming home late every night." The husband hears only "You are messing up" and not "I miss you and want more time with you."

Therapists help change this problem by listening for the more positive or vulnerable message in the communication and pointing it out to each partner. The therapist might also ask questions to help each partner find and express more positive and vulnerable feelings.